• Part 1: On the Subject of Sacrifice as it Pertains to the Nature of Love
• Part 2: On the Importance of Maintaining Equilibrium in Love
• Part 3: On the Importance of Mutual Respect and Understanding
• Part 4: On Devotion and One’s Motivation For It

In high school, she was a big fish in a small pond and I was a big fish in a big pond. Did this affect the way we turned out?

On a side note, is there a difference between being a big fish in a big pond or a small fish in a big pond? They seem the same to me.

When I look at my life, I do feel like a big fish in a small pond. It’s not necessarily something bad, just something that you need to get used to. I’ve gotten used to it, I think.

Even though we have been united through bonds of spirit for years, all that time I wanted to be official. I wanted others to recognize the bond we had. I didn’t think we could start the next phase of our lives until we took that step. And what does that next phase hold? We’re working on getting a house, and we’re starting graduate degrees in the fall. Although we’re making progress, I wonder if its all too myopic. Has the small victory we’ve had made us complacent about what will come ahead? Maybe I’m spending too much time on the future, without taking time for the present.

nice resolutions- how would you measure your performance on items 1 through 4? =)
- JadedStaccato

This brings me to today’s entry and the answer to that important question. I would measure the goals in relation to today’s status quo.

For the first, I will actively and thoughtfully place consideration in myself as a person, and monitor the internal effects of the events of my life. How did I change this day? What did I learn about people? Did I become angry too easily? Was I benevolent and fraternal or did I harden my heart against others? To measure my progress in understanding the world (by this, I mean the society in which I live), I will weigh my preconceptions, predictions, and expectations against reality. Was I aware that my actions would cause anger? Is that anger she feels or is that just what lies on the surface? What does society expect of me, and should I accept this?

To gauge my patience and understanding, I will attempt to live outside myself more often, observing emotion as it washes over me, especially those most passionate such as fear, anger, hatred, and love. I won’t attempt to block them, but instead, let them flow into me and through me.

For the third resolution, I will simply try to give more to society than I give today. Any amount over what I give now should be better. Right now, all I do to help society is to work hard, help my parents if possible, small, random acts of kindness for strangers, and use my natural abilities as much as possible. I have been looking into mentoring young adults, but I keep on questioning if it’s worth the time–especially now that we’re planning a wedding and I have weekly visits to the chiropractor.

Finally, to love more widely, purely, and honestly, I will work towards showing my true feelings and avoiding false emotion. I will attempt to make clear my motives and desires. I will try to take time out of my life for people, concentrating less on the hustle and bustle of daily life and more on the people who comprise it.

The Tao of Love: Part 4

On Devotion and One’s Motivation For It

Devotion is selfless affection and dedication for your partner. Liek the other keys to sustaining mutual love, devotion should always be reciprocal. Each partner’s state of mind should be to love the other without the expectation that they will be “rewarded.”

This statement may seem to come in direct conflict with the previous sentence about devotion being reciprocal, but therein lies the crux of my argument. While devotion should be freely felt and given by both partners, the expectation that one will recieve it cheapens the ideal.

Why does it cheapen it? When the expectations that one will recieve something for one’s devotion, it may become the sole or prominent reason that you give it. Consequently, one may start to demand a certain level of devotion, and should that level fall short of satisfaction, problems can ensue.

An interesting thing about devotion, is that when a man shows it in strength, other males sometimes mock it with claims of a lack of masculinity and control. While this is sometimes the case in those relationships that lack balance, other times it is truly those men in control of themselves that are able to fully and selflessly give to their mate. The men who truly believe the insults they spew often times do not understand the beauties of sacrifice and devotion as they relate to love. (Take the previous paragraph with a grain of salt, it is probably the most subjective of my statements so far.)

How can one express devotion for his partner? Be attentive to her needs and wants. Be thoughtful and kind and considerate. Always be respectful (this has previously been mentioned). Give time and affection freely and plentifully. These are all ways that one can express his love and dedication.

Back to

The Tao of Love Part 3: On the Importance of Mutual Respect and Understanding

On the Importance of Mutual Respect and Understanding

All should know that respect is an imporant part of any relationship, but it is especially important between a couple. Respect relates to the two previously mentioned requisities for healthy love, sacrifice and balance. Respect for your partner should lead you to both of these.

What does respect encompass exactly? One must never dismiss their partner by ignoring their words or by being deaf to their requests. If one partner asks something of the other, it is up to that partner to listen and understand that request. Through thoughtful communication, earnest attempts, and careful understanding, some conclusion should be reached that satisfies both parties. Compromise will be necessary in many situations, but the final decision should be acceptable to each partner.

Respect entails understanding in other senses as well. There will be times during the relationship when one partner is going through a difficult time, which should (since we are assuming they are deeply intimate) also gravely influence the life of the other partner. It is up to the partner who is not actually experiencing the turmoil to do his best to understand his partner’s situation, and help that partner cope with it.

This is still the case when both partners are going through trying times. Each partner must help the other cope, and attempt to be selfless enough so that they can support the other. One must sacrifice and cope with his own pain, in the interest of helping his partner’s pain.

Men and women who came from patriarchial households may also interpret respect to mean that between a man (as head of the household) and woman (as his subordinate). I will attempt no discourse on this as ones perspective originates with the environment of his youth. The only comment I must add is to emphasize again, that respect, like love, should be mutual.

Respect in a relationship comes in many other forms and is by no means limited to the situations which I have noted. Again, it is up to each person herself to decide and interpret the importance and impact of respect in her relationship.

Part 4: On Devotion and One’s Motivation For It

or back to

Part 2: On the Importance of Maintaining Equilibrium in Love

On the Importance of Maintaining Equilibrium in Love

To sustain mutual love, balance is vitally important. In a relationship permeated by respect, each partner must be sympathetic with the other. One partner should not be the exclusive “giver.” Both partners should do their best to give everything they can to the relationship and to each other. While this is vitally important in keeping a relationship healthy and alive, it should not be so forced that it goes against your impulses. Balance should never be forced, but always attempted. There are many problems that can arise from an unbalanced relationship.

When a couple fails to maintain the balance in a relationship, feelings of inadequacy, neglect, and disappreciativeness can arise. This is heavily related to the passage about sacrifice.

A friend asked me the other day, “You said you are truly in love. What would happen if you couldn’t be with your girl for ten years? Would you stay with her? How long could you wait?” When I replied that it depended on the circumstances of our seperation, he said that if I truly loved her I would wait as long as it took, no matter what the circumstances were.

In my mind, a situation such as this deals with not only sacrifice, but balance. While sacrifice is rooted in the principles of ideal and pure love, balance is based on the realistic and practical side of it. Why should there be a practical side to love? The totally idealistic view of love that some people have is impossible given the flawed nature of humanity–keep in mind that I speak of romantic love, not the kind between a mother and son, or a god and his disciple.

The importance of balance is show in the following example. A couple has been married for ten years. The husband is generally a loving man, except that when he drinks he turns into a totally different person. He becomes verbally and physically abusive. The wife has stood by her man for those ten years, sometimes with happiness, and at other times with fear. The situation ends when one night while under the influence, he beats her to death. In this situation, the woman sacrificed her safety and welfare for her love, but was this reasonable? People take a vow to stay by their mates in sickness and in health, until death do they part, but is it always right to keep this vow?

Balance is not only important in sustaining mutual love, but also a prerequisite for love itself. A relationship in which love is not reciprocated is no relationship at all. For love to exist, feelings must be reciprocated. Otherwise, love becomes obsession or any number of alternatively unhealthy emotions. Examples of this are the women who stay with abusive husbands and obsessive stalkers.

Through balance, each member of the relationship can maintain their mental welfare. It is up to each person to decide which, either balance or sacrifice, is more important to the relationship or whether both are equally so. The decision may rely heavily on whether one’s practical side is more potent than one’s idealistic side.

The Tao of Love Part 3: On the Importance of Mutual Respect and Understanding

or back to

The Tao of Love Part 1: On the Subject of Sacrifice as it Pertains to the Nature of Love

The thoughts below reflect my opinion alone. Feel free to share your opinion in a constructive manner.

(Please excuse my extremely blemished face and yellow teeth)

The Tao of Love: Part 1

On the Subject of Sacrifice as it Pertains to the Nature of Love

The nature of love is sacrifice. To truly love, you must be willing to sacrifice. Although the degree of one’s love is not expressly proportionate to the amount one is willing to sacrifice, it is a good indicator when combined with certain other factors I won’t elaborate upon in this passage.

What are you willing to give up for love? Friends? Family? A career? Your nature? These are all things which some of us may have difficulty sacrificing, and there are many who would say that love is not worth the sacrifice of any of these.

Still, I sincerely believe that love is worth giving up any and all of these things. I do not speak of the crush that sits in the front of the class with the vooice of honey. I do not speak of the one-night stand that you met during spring break. No, I do not speak of the guy that you’ve been dating for years but hardly talk to and rarely see. I speak of love in the most beautiful sense–that which is shared by two people who not only respect each other, but respect themselves. The love that one finds in intimacy, shared triumph and pain, and in silent company is worth everything. That love that brews warmly at times–bubbling and hot at others.

To this, my opponents would respond that one should not have to sacrifice so much for his mate. My counter to this is that, while one should be willing to sacrifice so much, his partner should not ask it of him, and vice-versa. In this way, the equation of love remains balanced, as it always should be.

An important thing of note would be that this sacrifice should never occur with regret, spite, or ire. Love is so powerful, so poignant, that the idea of the sacrifice should not be that you are giving something up, but that you are gaining something else. Love should make all of us men and women want to be better persons for the sake of our mates. Less cruelty, less anger, less spite, less greed, more generosity, more care, more kindness, and more understanding should all be requisites of love.

So all ye men and women, give up your pride, your anger, your scorn, your jealousy, your greed, your callousness, learn to love yourself, and then love. Love as you never have loved. Love as if ur life depended on it, because if it truly is love, then it does!

The Tao of Love Part 2: On the Importance of Maintaining Equilibrium in Love